Bitches Be Crazy: Facebook Fueled Psychosis

Bitches be crazy, this is pretty universally understood, but social networking has taken this to a whole new level with the Relationship Status. While Myspace had the opportunity to list your status, it didn't set-up for the anxiety of waiting for someone to approve or deny your request. Of announcing to your friends and family that you were seeing this one person. Forget whether or not you two have spent a sizable amount of time together, have met each others family, or have tagged photos with you both making that horrible smoochy-face. Prepare for the moment of building pressure where you wait for someone to "Accept you're in a relationship with:"

I Don't Trust Non Drinkers

Having proudly managed to shove a gallon of shitty, bottom shelf vodka into any purse I've carried since the seventh grade; I look at drinking as a serious commitment. Few things show greater personal and financial commitment than drinking. Adulthood is about learning to invest time and money, learning to form deep commitments; if you can't do those things with a person, I maintain a great Plan B to emotional attachment is binge drinking.

Why women THINK they hate oral sex

Many women want to take the job in "Blowjob" and use it as an excuse to only do it on National holidays. Between their jobs, children, friends, or turning tricks(no one here is judging if your girlfriend is a prostitute) the last thing most women enjoy is giving without "getting" anything. I don't think women ACTUALLY hate giving oral sex, I think they've just lost sight of why they once enjoyed it..

Keep Your Emotions Away From My Vagina

The best part about FWB(friends with benefits) is that it is all benefit and not much friend, which is fine by me because the last thing I need is having to pretend to give a damn about someone else's problems. In the beginning its a big race to not only orgasm and get the fuck out, but prove who isn't going to be the one to get emotionally attached. Among orgasm's and late night hookups is an underlying competition: who's going to want more than just sex first?

The art of hooking up with your ex

Some people have amazing sexual chemistry, to the point it's undeniable even after a shitty breakup. I have a particular ex that even during our VERY messy breakup, I still couldn't claim the sex was bad or he had a microscopic dick(don't even deny we love to do that, ladies). The sex was just THAT good! Thankfully, after the emotions and pissed off Facebook posts ended, the emotions died and the fucking re-started.

Jesus Get Your Freak On

I once dated a guy who was saving it for Jesus(I know, I don't know what I was thinking either). Fun little fact here guys: sexist oppressive religious rules only apply to women(that's an actual fact, read any bible). Other than never going past second base with me, this guys favorite hobby was talking about how much he loved boobs. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't, but in my experience a good way to express love for boobs is by putting your dick between them

One Night Stand

My New Years resolution was to become a bigger slut. Maybe that's not exactly a popular choice among the fake gym promises and carb-banning, but I was committed to having a resolution I could spread for. If you can't beat 'em, fuck 'em.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Cal Exotics Silicone Gyration Sensations

I hope all of you had a wonderful 4th of July. I spent mine half naked and on the deck with Kyle, you can make of that scenario as you wish, just be sure to add mediocre fireworks and my boobs are bigger than you're imagining.

I hope everyone both survived and had fun over the holiday, remember that nothing is more patriotic than war, apple pie, and masturbation.

This month we have a new toy from my favorite company in the sexy toy game, California Exotics. What have the sent? The Silicone Gyration Sensations Rippler. It has 10 functions, including a pulsation and escalation. Which shouldn't be confused with the kind of escalation I ask for after Sprint keeps fucking me over and running me in circles after 30 minutes (looking at you, Linda at the Oregon call center).



So let's start with the MEH... First off, this requires batteries, so first be sure to pop a few out of your kids Wii controller before attempting to get snuggly and dirty with this toy. It has no designated on/off switch or even pattern button, which is kind of a sad panda "function" for me (putting the fu in function there) because I'm not really into all the super doopr patterns, I'm a steady pounding kind of girl and having to circle back round again through the whole slew of choices kind of annoys me and kills me budding orgasm. My budding bud, if you will. It's flexible, but not so flexible it actually hits the g-spot.

I DO like that it is ribbed for anyone's pleasure, I dig ribbed/rippled toys. The different sensations that aren't in many sex toys and as far as I've ever experienced are in zero real life penises, my vagina enjoys the texture differences and well...you have to indulge a lady. This toy is in a more "reasonable" (affordable? Whatever sounds classier, kids) price range than more of your higher end toys and comes in cute "girlie" colors. If you're going to have items shaped like a faux dick, may as well make it look like a spring day or some shit.


So, take a stab at July 2014's toy the "Silicone Gyration Sensations Rippler" and let me know if it tickles your fancy.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Currently: July

I'm clearly really shitty at keeping up with these currently things, but when I do do them y'all seem to like them. I'll try to suck less and remember to do it.

I was tired post flight, so yeah


Currently enjoying
- Oklahoma City. The weather is way cooler than I anticipated (thanks, wind!), EVERYONE is nice (I swear Kyle is the grouchiest person in Oklahoma)

Thinking: About a lot of things and also just relaxing. I'm getting a very extended vacation from my family with my love. That's pretty much heaven on earth, even if it just so happens to be in Oklahoma


Reading: Marriage that lasts, I think. I haven't started it yet

Wearing: A lotta lingerie, heeeeyyy

Obsession: My 2014-15 erin condren planner finally came in, even if I did have to threaten them with fraud for lying (like always...why do I keep buying these, jesus?)


Random: Ky is the cutest, sucks for all y'alls

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Erin Condren fails at customer service year 2

So,  I know what you're thinking. Why the hell did I decide to even bother with the horrible company and customer service that is Erin Condren again? Simply, I love my life planner.

So, I place my 6th order on Life Planner launch day. I had my ship date an was happy since I'm moving out of state and needed to ensure it was here before then. A week past my promised ship date, I began to panic. I wrote EC customer service and they upgraded me to over night fedex shipping and sent me a shipped order the next day. WOW, now that's the kind of customer service I'd been waiting for. That very night, being so impressed, I went back and placed another $120 order (my second in 2.5 weeks) with Erin Condren.

Days pass and no package, so I call fedex. Turns out Erin Condren might send you and email promising you it's shipped, but they're once again doing what they do best...flat out lying.

Their upgrade to over night shipping does me 0 good when my package is still sitting in their office, just chilling, Erin Condren hasn't even bothered to put in on the truck. Worst of all? They've taken to straight out ignoring customers, many of us writing pleading that we're moving or will be out of state.


So, if you were hopeful 2014-2015 had changed the way Erin Condren runs her company, think again and order a Plum Paper planner from etsy.


As for me? I'll be fighting their fraud charges with USAA


(Let's also not forget the rash of CC charges/thefts on many peoples accounts that EC refuses to take responsibility for, stay classy, Erin)

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Cal Exotics Entice Catherine

Let's just start with seeing this on the box, I got turned on just by that. What kind of amazing vibrator does that?

 The Entice Catherine! So let's get specifics it has 8 functions (vibrations, pleasure buttons, you feel me), it's waterproof if you want to splash splash orgasm, dual motors to make sure all spots are attended to, rechargeable,  and my only annoyance is no designated off switch, but fuck it I love this toy.


While the shaft is slender and not even very long (sorry, size queens), the curved  shaft bangs into your g - spot and we'll that's just delightful.


 The charging port is what I'd normally call those "shitty 2 pronged magnets", but Katherine is somehow the first vibrator to make it work and actually you know fucking charge and not dislodge 10 minutes into it.
See photo of not shitty charging job.

The box doesn't reveal how long a full charge takes and to be real honest with you I used it as soon as it seemed ready to go. It is, of course, made with body safe palate free silicone for us girls allergic to fucking everything ever (HOLLA!) And as you can see its just fuckin pretty. I like sticking pretty things in my vagina, alright, it's why I date such a hot guy (you're welcome, Ky). 

 Next to my hand for size comparison, please keep in mind I'm a 6'1" woman so if you're 5'2" it'll probably seem way bigger..moving on! 



After some charging I turned my Entice Catherine on to play and she sprung alive, strong vibrations made using her easy and getting off easier. I give this 2 orgasms up, fine holiday fun.


 Be careful of the charging disc port whatever the fuck things, like all styles of this charger they get VERY HOT and not in a sexy way. After charging let it cool or you will burn your fingers or possibly vagina depending how larges yours is and if you can somehow fit the whole thing in there you go girl.


I had planned on packing my L17 Jopen to fly to Oklahoma with me to go see Ky, but I'm thinking Catherine maybe my new friend and travel buddy. I'll let you know how she survives the TSA

The time I got way too high

My cousin and I were teenagers and we were smoking what was quite literally my 2nd joint of my life. He was driving and we were blasting old three 6 mafia before it was considered old school because we're actually that old. I'm not sure what kind of hybrid magneto-weed he had bought, but as he drove the shitty jeep Cherokee along the road, with its negative 8 mpg, we both literally felt as if we were being magnetically held to the earth. He felt unable to brake, really this whole thing suddenly went from a mildly entertaining high to fear of crashing into anything or possibly becoming one of the X-men. After gathering all his strength,  he managed to fight the invisible magnate holding us down and brake just in time to pick up our little brother and all his friends from high school.

I'm 90% sure we survived death that day 



Tell me your story of the time you got wwaayyy too stoned.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

What's in my bag?




You get to know someone by what's in their bag, recently my friend Meredith did a "What's in Em's bag" blog about me! You can get to know Meridith at her blog The Everything Diaries


So, what's in my bag and what does it say about me?


1: My bag. I got it on sale from Target for $12.99. I'm very thrifty.






2: My May monthly overview of my Erin Condren LP. I think the Erin Condren company is very shady, but they make a product that can't be competed with. So I'm kinda stuck. Course, a photo of me and my lovely laughing hard always brings me joy to see <3





4: Inside the purple bag (which I got from Etsy): Lupus medications that I often need while on the go, Garnier hand lotion, my reading glasses (Guess), and my wallet clutch. And yes, I really DO carry redbull everywhere - it's an addiction.



5:The blue small bag is full of feminine products of all types. The pink bag is full of random things you never know you may need (toothbrush, floss, inhaler, liquid bandaid, and a Schick on the go razor!)





6: Inside the pink bag is all my makeup, tissues, and hand sanitizer. I'm a mother, so a First Aid Kit is always a necessity! Ear plugs because my better half lives 500 miles away, and I fly to him a lot. A prayer journal and my current read (The Christian Homemakers Handbook by Pat Ennis). The small phone: I've found, personally, it's worth the $10 a month to have a burner line that I can keep my main cell number to myself. So business calls or calls from my gym all go to the one in the photos





Friday, May 23, 2014

Currently: May

It's been a while since I've done this, sorry, loves life happened.



Currently Enjoying: My new pool! It's not in ground or anything fancy, but it's a nice 4.5 feet and kiddo and I enjoy relaxing

Thinking: About my trip back to Oklahoma City in July. I was there for a job interview and reconnected with Kyle. Seems my very talented psychic,  Randi (leave a comment if you'd like her number, first reading is 100% free), is correct. In which case, at least according to her, I'm going to be engaged soon *longfully eyes cushion cut with a halo ring*. Ring porn aside, I'm just excited to maybe get the chance to spend my life driving my best friend crazy.

Reading: The Christian Homemakers Handbook by Pat Ennis and Insurgent (part of the divergent series). Both are really amazing for totally different reasons.

Wearing: My swimsuit and basically nothing else

Obsession: Erin Condren new life planners premier soon, all things organizational/ocd, pintrest

Dying to: Go on a cruise to like...Cabo

Random: I haven't had a drink in 3 months! 

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